Spilled Coffee

Coffee now makes me think of summer and I recently discovered that the smell is oddly comforting to me. Let me explain to you why I find this so odd.

This past summer was a tumultuous one. It was full of ups and downs and everything else in between. Most of the angst derived from circling words and thoughts and blinding colors of endless possibilities and roadblocks in my mind. And to state the obvious- graduating is not a simple feat and I knew that, but life after graduation became something so overwhelming that it simply knocked me off my feet.

I began my job and attending the coffee and tea classes the morning right after my graduation ceremony. I wore the apron the next day and was placed at the cash register the day after serving people who clearly had their taste well established (as well as their vocabulary) for coffee. Let me paint the picture for you of me as a possible barista- I was new to coffee and jittery most days and I did not know what cafe latte was until the end of week 1 when an exasperated customer was sorely disappointed with a cup of the house blend missing any milk what so ever. This job was a good one and I was new and I was learning and I would have done well. But at the time, I was in a mental state that seemed to just debilitate me. I could hardly eat, sleep, or get up without feeling incredibly depressed and worst of all- I could not pin point why. The coffee shop became the center focus for all of these- all my anxiety, depression, and angst was directed into this part time job. A job I felt added pressure to keep as I searched for apartments that continued to be out of my price range.

Later, I realized that I was in a state of mental unbalance. I was in a place of heightened transition. People talk about transition bringing up different things emotionally and being high stressors and whether I processed it or not I was going through a hell of a time. I am deciding to share this story months later, truthfully for myself. It is very honest and candid and at the time I was so embarrassed to tell people I quit the coffee shop job with kind people, fun training opportunities, nice customers, and a guaranteed source of income because I just couldn't handle it mentally. This was the first time I had actively made a decision around my mental capacity at the time and it was incredibly difficult. I was honestly very ashamed, I felt weak, and I was so frustrated with why I couldn't seem to manage myself.

I continued to work three more jobs after this and the others seemed to come easily. I guess I gave myself a moment to breathe. And I also need to reflect now on how lucky I was to have my family as a resource at that time- that I wasn't completely relying on myself financially. During that time, I had trouble driving myself out of the house, falling asleep, waking up, thinking of opportunities- I was so derailed by the thought that I would be stuck in this state for who knows how long. And it has really not been long either- maybe seven months since. And I realized, as I was standing in my office this past week, holding a cup of coffee up to my nose and smelling that coffee shop's house blend that it brought complete comfort to me. The smell of coffee after all of that. I still am a bit perplexed by it.

Possibly its because it's symbol of how quickly life can transform itself-or maybe how quickly we can transform ourselves around the life we live. And how strange that the smell of that coffee brings me comfort. Maybe I am now able to respect that summer- the frustrations and pain I felt. I feel as though in some way, silly or not, it made me understand myself more. It helped me to grow. It shows t

hat something that is uncomfortable one moment can become comforting the next. And that is in and of itself, oddly comforting.